Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What the hell was I thinking?

This is my main thought today in regards to getting the surgery. I didn't think I would ever cry about my loss of food, but low and behold I am right about there today.

I received another free meal today (and threw it up about 5 bites in) and thus my children have been having delicious dinners. And I find myself getting unnecessarily angry when they don't eat or play with their food because I feel like it should have been MY meal that they are wasting, and that they don't understand what I would give in order to be able to eat it. I know it is irrational but take away the ability to eat more than a bite and it becomes extremely frustrating.

I have also stalled completely on my weightloss... even gained back 1lb. I know it's 1lb but it is still frustrating. I didn't cut off my stomach, give up my ability to enjoy a meal, and drink liquids for 17 days in order to gain a pound. It is just REALLY incredibly frustrating.

It doesn't help that Roger has no concept of what I am going through. He weighed 139 lbs the other day. He is 5ft 11in. That's not normal, right???? He has been through a lot of stress lately with the new job, me being moody, dealing with kids and shuttling, etc. And in all of those situations, I would eat my way happy. He just forgets to eat. Last night I gave the family my spaghetti with meatballs meal that I was unable to eat and his portion was so small! In my opinion he ate about the size of a very small kids meal and didn't even finish an entire meatball. Had I gotten the meal pre-surgery he wouldn't have had a chance to eat a meatball!!!

Things on the work front have been stressful for me the past few weeks as well. I have been handling two sales markets which means my goals are higher and I have twice the work. It has been good to be busy, but it sucks because now the new girl came in and my boss is giving her all of the credit for the stuff in her new market that I have been working towards. Literally 10 contracts have been sent out the past week or so that I will get zero credit for.

And home life.... well, it has been crazy to say the least. The past 2 weeks we barely saw Benjamin and Aidan needs a MAJOR attitude adjustment. That is really an understatement. She is rude to us, yells "NO!" when we ask her to do something, spits, sticks out her tongue, hits her brother... the list is unending. I really feel at a loss because I am constantly raising my voice, telling her to stop doing something, smacking her hand. It really really sucks.

Again all I can think about is the small container of food that I wish I could eat right now. Despite the fact that I am trying really hard to let the food in my stomach sit so that I don't barf it all up. Thinking I made a crappy decision right about now. 20lbs isn't worth this.


  1. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way Alexis! I'm sure it will get better as time goes on. One of my friends mom had that surgery, and anytime she would eat something over 10g of sugar, she would throw up. That is crazy! I hope it gets better for you quickly, and i'm sure the 1lb is just water weight, so don't stress! HUGS, i'm sure it will all be worth it in the end, but i'm guessing this process takes a while. You can do it!

  2. Ah, Alexis. I know this feeling quite well. Get used to the stalls and the regret because once you get past it you will see exactly how worth it it really is. The best thing I can tell you is to look forward to the liquids and the new diet, even if you don't like it. If you lament over and miss your old habits, you will be on your old path in short order. Keep up the water and the protien. The mental work is the hardest part of this process and its a journey that doesn't end.