Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Debbie Downer

Today is not going exactly as I had hoped. I am down in the dumps. So sick of drinking Myoplex and other protein supplements that I want to scream. Sick of drinking ANYTHING. I keep reminding myself that this is what I wanted, this is what I need to do to let my stomach heal, to lose the weight, but seriously all I want to do is eat something delicious like pasta or In n Out.

I am wondering if the Myoplex is too heavy for my little stomach because it is so filling that it is becoming uncomfortable. I am still enjoying my Hint water (thanks Claire!) but everything else just sucks.

I was told before having surgery that I would have emotional issues afterwards and I definitely believed everyone but I am not really sure who to talk to about it. No one really understands what exactly I am feeling right now. Most people have only gone a day or 2 on straight liquids. I dream of eating an egg in a week. I don't even like eggs (seriously, they make me gag) but the thought of chewing something that can be flavored is VERY exciting. Not as excited about yogurt because it is sweet, and 95% of what I consume right now is "sugar-free" and still sweet.

My support system is great. All of my friends and family have been asking about how I am doing. The darling HR lady was back this morning "to check on me", and Roger is still being nice (always good) and pitching in 565%. I am just in a funk.

Also another big thing is that I am barely seeing my son. Benji is with my aunt 85% of his life these days. I can't lift either kid, but Aidan is self projecting so she can get in and out of the car by herself, up the stairs by herself, out of bed by herself... so I am not afraid to be alone with her. Benji I simply cannot be alone with. Last night Roger told me that he had to be at work at 6am. Normally I wouldn't care because I drop off Aidan anyway, but then there was the issue of Benji. I can't ask my aunt to be at my house at 6am. That's not fair. But I can't be alone with Benji either. What if he wakes up... I just let him cry in his crib until someone comes who can pick him up????? It's horrible. So last night my aunt was kind enough to let him spend the night but it means that I only spent about an hour with him. And today/tonight I won't see him at all. I have a NACE meeting until 9:30 in Walnut Creek which means I won't get home until 10pm at the earliest and which also means I won't see either kid until tomorrow morning. And currently I don't see Benji in the morning because Roger is dropping him off on the way to work (at around 6:45am). It is just really hard.

I like working in general. I like my mind being stimulated. I don't think that I am cut out to be a stay at home mom, but I hate feeling like I am missing my kids' entire lives for $45k a year. And the even crappier part is that in the Bay Area, I don't have a choice. We can't afford to live on one salary, especially since Roger had to take a big pay cut with the new job (yes I am thankful he even has a job but it still sucks). I told him on Monday evening that we need to move to somewhere affordable because this rat-race is killing me. Every month we are scrambling. And to be honest we don't blow money on anything other than eating out and now that is over with because of the surgery. I am open to moving anywhere at this point... anywhere we can afford to live on his salary and mine is just for incidentals, or savings, or vacations. I have a feeling however that we will never move, unless I agree to move to LA (which I should have rephrased earlier because I would rather move to Alaska than Los Angeles) because that seems to be his promised land. I am thinking more along the lines of Chicaco, Cincinnati, or last night we talked about San Antonio with my aunt (they are considering moving there) but once she left he was like "the only thing nice there is Riverwalk... the city isn't like that". I really don't know what to do.

So, sorry to be a Debbie Downer, I just can't seem to find my "happy place" today. Perhaps this evening, after some NACE chatter I might be in a better mood. For now I am off to find some soup that is not "protein infused" so that at least I can taste a different flavor.

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