Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Long overdue!

I received a message on facebook mentioning my blog and I realized that I haven't posted in awhile! Things are all over the place around here. I got fired on Friday. After 6 months at a place where I got along with everyone... except my boss. And in the end, that's who mattered!!! But alas, I feel very relieved to be out of there. It was so irritating to have to play her little games and watch her dote on the new girls who were size 0s (the only reason I mention this is because my boss would CONSTANTLY talk about how tiny they are @@). I was making my sales goals and EXCEEDING THEM! Which just goes to show 2 things in my opinion: Some times living in a no fault state really sucks and playing the game is just as important as performance. I am not good at being fake to people so sometimes I really suck at the whole game thing!!! I wasn't rude, but I wasn't constantly complimenting her and brining in baked goodies like the other 2 gals. Shoot, I am not supposed even be near baked goodies right now!!! haha I feel confident that God has a plan for me, and the Hilton was good for what it was (afterall their insurance helped me get my surgery!!!) but just as a temporary thing. I am resuming my attempt to get a CA state teaching credential which was put on hold a few times because I needed a job, and then I had surgery, etc etc etc. So I start my classes April 4. It's one class a month so that should be fine. Also, staying home is actually BETTER for weightloss!!!! I can go to the gym during the day and Benji does ok in the daycare... I am only there for an hour max, so that works out well. Also, chasing him around is much better than sitting at a desk all day. And I am able to clean my house in bits and pieces. So All is well. I have already lost 3 lbs putting me at 196. I had gone down to 197 and then back up again and I have been hovering around 198-199 for a week or two and I tell ya, it's irritating!!! So glad to have broken the stall with some good old fashioned exercise. Another amazing thing is how much easier exercise is when you aren't 250lbs. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes without even really sweating. Yes I was going as fast as I should have, but it wasn't the "i'm gonna die" feelign that I used to have when I was heavier. It is definitely true what they say about losing weight motivating you and also making exercise more enjoyable. It's a lot more enjoyable to feel a little physical challenge as opposed to panting and thinking you're gonna die!!! I wanted to go back yesterday but it wasn't in the cards so instead I made it a point to clean clean clean. We have a 2 story house so I went up the stairs a ton and vaccuumed,c hanged linens, etc. Basically anything I could do to keep me moving! The house is big so I created a little goal for myself of one room a day, although the kitchen and living room are every day projects that overwhelm me. The living room in particular.. aka toy central!!! Also, after nearly 5 years, hundreds of arguments and back and forths, breaking up, etc etc etc.... Roger and I are talking about getting married. HOLY WOWZA right?! As I told Roger, the only sucky part is people's reaction of "Are you sure you want to do this?" as opposed to "CONGRATULATIONS!!!!" but as my aunt says "Better a happy ending than a sad one!". A few friends have asked me how this all came to be and my best answer is to watch the movie "Fireproof"... that storyline is how it came to be and on day 43 I got flowers and a card saying that he wasn't giving up. The challenge was supposed to end on day 40. We have a lot of work to do but I am optimistic and despite the fact that we are both crazy, I do love him. So... if we make it to the altar it'll be in July and there actually probably won't be an altar... it'll be outdoors. With a fab Hawaiian honeymoon to follow in August.. that part I am already planning of course! You all know me and my love affair with Hawaii! So as I started out, this update was long overdue. Lots of change, lots of excitement. Tears of joy, tears of sorrow, stress, anxiety, happiness, etc etc etc. The kids are great, I am loving spending more time with Benjamin (although I swear he is a boy through and through... Aidan never climbed and got into things like he does!) and thanks to my sleeve, I will be the beautiful, blushing, (insert THIN!) bride that I have always wanted to be!!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Holy Guac!

Holy Guacamole! My body is not cooperating, but I suppose neither is my mind. I have been playing with the same 2 lbs for about 2 weeks now. I can attribute that to a few things.... my period for one, me not following as strict a diet, and possibly stress. But no matter what I choose to blame it on, the fact is, I am STUCK!!! AHHHHHH! So irritating!

I am dying to get under 200lbs. Like 2lbs away dying. I know the difference between 199 and 200 is nearly nothing, but to any weightloss surgery patient, it is enormous psychologically. And I want to be able to say "I did it!".

I also realize that I need to really address my food addiction. The more I think about it (and realize that this surgery is a tool, not a fix) the more I see how simple carbs are everywhere and exactly what I look for when bored, stressed, sad, happy, etc. It's crazy. Last night we went to sushi, and I ate really well. More than my sleeve should have allowed (I had 3 slices of sashimi and 2 pieces of a spicy tuna roll w/ seaweed salad on the outside) which is also scary, but that is another post...... But basically 90% of what went in my mouth was protein, and lucky for me this particular restaurant doesn't use a lot of rice on their sushi rolls. So I come home and from the time dinner ended until the time I went to bed was about 2 hours..... in that 2 hours I contemplated eating one of my new favorite snacks... a square of cheddar and 2 saltines (I break the cheddar to fit the cracker and enjoy). But I literally sat there and thought to myself "this is head hunger, you JUST ATE DINNER! You don't need crackers for goodness sakes! STOP IT!!!!". Thankfully my sanity ruled out my food addiction and I went to bed without eating more. But I am fully aware that this is how to cheat the system and how to waste $10000 and surgery that can save my life. It's really scary to think about!

Today I was good... protein shake, grande non-fat latte,... and then I had some bites of pizza. I swear this office is going to be the death of me. If it's not pizza, it is candy, donuts, cookies, you name it. And as I am able to eat more, the more I have to learn to make a conscious decision to say NO. And it is a lot harder than I thought. Before I had surgery I was told that when they cut out the stretchy part of the stomach, they remove the ghrelin gland that produces the hunger hormone. Well yeah, I think mine must be located elsewhere because I certainly feel hungry a lot! And I was warned by the nurse right before surgery that not everyone stops feeling hungry... I guess I was a lucky one :(

And like weight watchers teaches you, get rid of the bad stuff!!!! Roger had bought some cookie dough and there was a little left over (in a plastic tub) so I will go in the fridge and have a spoonful. Ok yes, I am not eating half a tube like I would have previously, but I am fully aware that cookie dough is not going to help me lose the next 60lbs. So why do I do it?? I don't know. The only answer I can think of is that I am addicted to food. And sadly, unlike drugs or alcohol, it can't be removed from my life completely so I have to learn to manage my triggers and learn how to say no, life is ok without it. Right after surgery I was doing so very well, and to this day, I still make choices to make sure I am getting proteins, liquids, etc in. It just gets harder as I can eat more.

So, alas, I am just trying to stay positive, know that these 2lbs will indeed come off, and I WILL succeed in losing the weight I intend to lose. I think my first step is going to be ordering a Zumba dvd. I tried Taebo the other day but I swear it was the janky version with bad music and the people in the background messing up!!!! LOL. Zumba at least has good music and I can shake what my mama (actually I think it came from my Puerto Rican dad to be honest!) gave me!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Pictures, Pizza & Patience!

Well, I finally took some current pictures, albeit via iphone. But, alas, with a mile marker of 41lbs down, it needed to be done! I have saved my size 18W dress pants that I lived in at work to remind myself just how big I had let myself get. But you better believe that I was the first person in line to pack up and ship out all of my clothes that miraculously have gotten WAY TOO BIG!!!!! Like falling off too big! And thank goodness that I went through the plastic bin of clothes that I had deemed too small... half of them are already too BIG now!
And so, here is me, as of today, March 8, 2011 (wearing control top pantyhose though!!! lol):

Now as for the patience... although this surgery causes rapid weightloss, there is still a lot of weight to be lost! And a common occurence is stalls. Basically I stop losing weight, my body recalibrates its composition, I lose inches (which is exciting!) but that darn scale just gets stuck. I feel like that is what is going on right now. I have been stuck in the 205-207 range for about 10 days or so. AHHHH! This is after hitting 204 one day and then it jumping back up. Boys close your eyes, but ladies I am blaming my period and water retention on this one! This morning I stood on the scale and it was back to 204. Only 4lbs to go until I get back in the 100s. What a sweet day that will be! If I start screaming, crying, jumping up and down, don't be alarmed. I haven't been in the 100s since I had Aidan in 2007.
I have also discovered an awesome protein bar that I think should be mentioned. Muscle Milk Light, Chocolate Peanut Caramel. I swear to you, it tastes like a snickers bar and has the consistency of a really awesome caramel candy from sees! That thick, harder caramel, OMG. I LOVE THEM!!!! They are my current afternoon snack when I am craving junk and know I need to get some protein in. They have 170 calories which is slightly high, but lower than the average "protein bar" which is normally around 250. It has 15g of protein (yay!) when again, the avg protein bar has 6-8. And it only has 9g of sugar. Look on a power bar and tell me how much sugar is in it! A LOT!!!!! So anyhow, that is my current recommendation for proteiners everywhere :)

Now on the flip side, the other day I was on a crappy eating binge and attempted to eat a piece of pizza. I have to say it was pretty funny how much I could get down without feeling ABSOLUTELY STUFFED! Picture a full pizza wedge....... and now check this out:

Yeah that's about 3-4 bites. Stuffed. Completely stuffed. I love my sleeve! It reminds me not to eat the stuff I shouldn't be. And it reminds me WHY I needed it. Previously I would have downed the entire piece in about a minute and been looking for more! And no, I should NOT have been attempting a piece of pizza.
So all in all the past few months have been up and down and all around physically and emotionally but I would not take back the surgery even for a brief second. I am so grateful that I was able to have it done!