I debated on whether to post about this in my blog but when you literally think to yourself "I should blog about this" something inside wins about doing so. I think one reason is that particularly from my surgery portion of this endeavor, I have gotten some really amazing and positive feedback, and even some people who are now considering surgery themselves. So if anything, this next post is for all the ladies out there who are feeling like I am. Be forewarned, this post is nothing about weightloss, but maybe shedding the weight has made me care more about who I associate with and am close to? Ok so the more I think about it, maybe this DOES involve my sleeve, and I will tie that in at the end because the more I think about it, the more I realize it... amazing how that works.
Let me begin with the fact that tonight, Roger and I had a rare opportunity to see a movie... as in together. WITHOUT KIDS! Woohoo! I had read people's facebook posts about Bridesmaids and seeing as I am a bride-to-be myself, what a perfect movie! And oh man was it ever!!! It was absolutely hilarious, but there were 2 parts that had me in tears. Not happy, oh how sweet a wedding tears, but instead "why are things the way they are?" tears.
You see, my wedding is a small wedding. Very close family and friends. I never really imagined having a big fat anything wedding, and it works out well that Roger's family is small and he too has a small number of close friends. But you see, my issue lies with the fact that I don't feel like I have a BEST friend. Or at least anyone who would consider me THEIR best friend. Oh I absolutely have friends who I love dearly and can trust. But I don't have that one person who knows me inside and out and who I can talk to about anything and who I just KNEW had to be my maid of honor (like the character in the movie). My cousin Cara graciously accepted my asking her to be my MOH and I love her and know that she is probably the best wedding assistant/MOH/cousin a girl could ask for, but she isn't my best friend. (Sorry Cara, but I think you know this already anyway!). Like, I can't even guarantee that she will even ask me to be in her wedding this fall.
Let's take a step back in time to when all was well in the world and I had two women who I did consider my best friends. They shall remain nameless for this blog, but I truly considered them my very best friends who knew everything about me and who I could count on implicitly, and we had inside jokes that only WE knew, and we truly could give each other a "look" and know the meaning. I HAD THAT. Yes I sure did. But with time, and life, and circumstance, we are no longer close like the past. I wasn't asked to be MOH at their weddings, or even IN the weddings for that matter. And I have to be honest.... it really hurt. A lot. But it also made me realize that nothing in life is forever.
Ironically the scene that made me cry the most was a silly one where the women are singing and dancing as they would with just each other. I miss that. I miss girl time where I can have sleepovers with my girlfriends and drink wine and sing into hairbrushes and dance all around. I thought back to the last time I got to do that with my "best friends" and it made me sad. Now as I thought about this more and more I did think about a little rendezvouz with my Italy ladies and that put a HUGE grin on my face. Images of Jenn Threadgold's living room in the Italian countryside, a bunch of crazy American women drinking wine and margaritas and belting out Beyonce and Justin Timberlake. That kind of comraderie is irreplacable and it is truly a memory I will never forget.
The reason I bring this up is because some of my best friends, or those whose friendships I regard so very highly, unfortunately live far away. And although you can talk on the phone, or email, it isn't the same as popping over to say hi, or go shopping in a pinch. One lady in particular I know that if we did live closer, we would BE closer, but again, with the rest of life, distance creates unwanted distance :(
But when I started writing this post I really wonder if me gaining weight had created a me that not only did I not like, but that pushed people away? I consider myself a loyal friend. I don't backstab people. In fact, I am the kind of person who once I consider you a friend, I am there for you. So maybe now that I am losing the weight and redefining who I am as a person, maybe I miss what I used to have back in the good old days? I don't know. I do know it is hard with children to be friends with friends with no children. I often cannot go to lunch (nap time) and I often cannot go to dinner (have to make dinner for the family, or bring the kids with, which, as much as I love my children, is not exactly relaxing). And my friends who have kids and can sympathize or understand... those friends tend to live in far off lands, making them unavailable simply by geography.
Oh the things we learn when we look at ourselves from inside.... and I wonder what my old bffs think about me now. Do they miss our relationship as well? I guess I might just have to ask!
And to my darling Becky, I could not ask for a more wonderful bridesmaid! You have been an amazing friend from our first day in English 201 with that crazy teacher! So glad I said hi later that night in Anthropology! Love you girlfriend!! And can't wait til you move your booty back up here!