Through the Looking Glass... Life is all about Perception

So, I posted most recently about my slight weight gain and about how life after surgery is a forever process.  And that is all fine and good.  But the reality of the situation is that life after surgery has become very similar to life before surgery for me... full of excuses and "i'll start tomorrow".  And quite frankly, it just is NOT acceptable.

I went to Weight Watchers a few weeks ago.  149.6.  WOWZA.  Oddly it was comforting to not see a 15... but it was a harsh reality.  Now I am heading towards gaining 20lbs instead of 15.  I have no one to blame but myself and the irony of it is that I know my issues! Just like I know how to eat right and lose weight... it is just a matter of doing it!

B and I have discussions regarding my weight gain all the time.  He jokes about my "babies" (butt cheeks) growing and I give him crap about his baby (belly).  It's all in good fun but the serious side of it is my babies need to SHRINK not grow :(  It is hard for him to understand my addiction to food.  He does not have this problem. His addiction is to beer.  Not in the alcoholic need a buzz sense, but simply he really enjoys the taste of it... the same way I would like a soda.  So many times while I am eating my booty bigger, he is drinking his belly the same.  Bad and bad.

We also have discussions on strategies for me to get back on track.  I joined Weight Watchers because I wanted to see the point values for food so I could get a sense of how "bad" what I was eating really is.  The higher the points value the worse it is for weight loss....generally speaking.  That lasted about a day.  Kind of like My Fitness Pal.  About a day.  I really suck at tracking what I eat. And it shows.

Then I joined a Zumba fitness studio.  I LOVE IT.  Absolutely love it.  It gives me something to "do" on days I don't have the kids, it is super fun, and a great workout.  The one downfall is that I want to do more with weights, but it is a start.  So... fitness, I am on the mend with.  Diet.... not so much.

I was having a discussion with a friend who is interested in weight loss surgery and I was telling her that even after surgery I still get hungry and I still have a love affair with carbohydrates. Not the healthy whole grain ones... the white processed sugar kinds.  And  both of these are not my sleeve's issue.  They are mine.  And it is an issue that I had better address quickly because at the rate I am going, in 5 years I will be back at square one for weight.  That thought is extremely frightening. So anyway, she suggested I go onto my online support groups for inspiration. So I did.... and inspiration is what I found.

A woman who attended the very same support group I posted about last time had a perspective COMPLETELY different than mine from the same topic.  I left thinking "I'm ok.... everyone gains weight... it'll be ok".  She left thinking this:  He pointed out that if  extra pounds aren’t working for you, then as he sees it, you’re no longer in maintenance.  Maintenance should be a range in which you feel comfortable both physically and emotionally and in which you are truly maintaining within a small range of weight.

As Oprah would say.... an "Aha!" moment.  Wow.  I need to completely switch gears with my life.  I am completely UNcomfortable with my body right now.  I feel "fat".  I feel embarrassed.  I feel like I am failing (and I am!).... and until I get myself into the mode of  "this is not ok" nothing will change.  So today, I reached out to my surgeon's dietician and a woman who I met at the meeting who has been extremely successful for over 5 years.  And I am hoping their guidance can force me to get myself back on track.  Back to the reality of no one can MAKE me successful other than yours truly.

I need to lose 15 lbs.  Plain and simple.  And that is the verdict of the day.