But all I could think about this morning was "oh no... how much have I gained?". I don't normally eat candy anymore. Yes, I will occasionally indulge (or is it endulge?) in ice cream or it's its (hey, the factory is around the corner from my office!) or a bite of something sweet, but very rarely do I binge on straight candy. But in the past week or so I have not only been going nutty with Halloween candy, I have been eating cookies, cake, you name it. I have been doing everything that I KNOW I shouldn't be. And I am paying the price. I woke up this mornign and the scale said 143.2. And that was with ZERO clothes on. Ugh.
I really need to sit down and think about WHY I still feel the need to gorge on sweets. I know they are not good for me. I know that I have come so far with my surgery results. I know that 2 pounds are MUCH harder to lose than to gain. And yet I will say yes to a cookie or candy repeatedly. And I also noticed myself "sneaking" food. It is as if I am afraid Roger will say something or judge me if he sees me eating certain foods that I KNOW I shouldn't eat. :( As I mentioned before... the old habits are truly returning and I need to recognize them and get my butt back on track.
One of my biggest pitfalls pre-surgery was the complain that I just "don't have time" to exercise. I have learned that this is truly an excuse because when I go on exercise binges, I know that I can get up at nearly regular time, get to the gym, get a workout and shower in and STILL get to work on time! Whew! But with the time change and it not getting light until almost 8am, the idea of getting up in the darkness holds less and less appeal. But ya know, gaining my weight back doesn't sound so fun either.
I am learning that the maintenance phase is scarier than loss. I am so paranoid about gaining my weight back. Everyone who has is the first to admit that they didn't think it would happen to them. That they didn't want to waste an incredible opportunity. Well, I am definitely one of those people. I can say with 100% clarity that life as a thin person is 10000000x better than life as a heavy person both physically (more energy, more mobility, etc) and emotionally (higher self esteem, much happier!). So now that I finally have a taste of success and happiness with my body as an adult, I DO NOT want to go back to the old me. I cannot imagine being 100lbs heavier than I am now.
BUT on the other hand when I think about my second goal of 125lbs, I think I will never ever get there. My doctor warned me that it would be difficult, but geez.... I didn't realize the mental roadblocks that would slow down my weightloss... I was simply focusing on the physical.
I am resolving that November is going to be a month of success! I promise myself that I will not necessarily lose a certain number of pounds (although that would be very nice!) but I will commit to going back "on plan" meaning high protein, low carb, NO CANDY, and trying my very best to consume way more water. That is one thing that changed so much since surgery... I used to love drinking water. Now I find it extremely difficult.
Wish me luck! And sorry there weren't pictures in this. Oh wait, let me add one for good luck!
I'm right there with ya! And that candy corn really should be called "crack corn" because it is addicting like crack. UGH! Here is to a better Nov. ;-)
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