So that has been me. All summer. All decked out in workout gear, and NOT working out! Brian usually asks me if I am actually going to work out or just pretending :P Such a turd. But he is pretty on point. I have been pretending for a month and a half.
You see, I have been set up for success from every angle. My husband is the most supportive, loving, encouraging husband around. If there is ever anything I want or need in the realm of beauty or health and fitness, he is on board, no questions asked. He knows that I am not one for "tough love" just gentle encouragement (with a lot of shit talking mixed in for good measure :P), and he cheers me on relentlessly. My kids have been in summer camp nearly every week this summer, meaning my days have provided ample time to spend working on myself. And to top this off, my company pays for my "health and fitness stipend" each month, aka gym membership. So quite frankly, my ticket on the Hot Mess Express was one way and it was very expensive!
There have been some changes in our household that have been extremely stressful for both me personally, and for our marriage. I won't go into detail but I did question whether or not I was/am clinically depressed. After some soul searching, I decided that no, I am not. I still enjoy spending time with friends and family and I still like to get dressed up and look pretty, but the big issue that I am having is trouble sleeping and anxiety. I worry incessantly to the point where I cannot sleep. It happened last night even. I probably slept a total of 3 broken hours. But this is where I decide my ride on the Hot Mess Express has ended. This morning. Literally. I made a very distinct choice.
The past month and a half, I have not been sleeping well at all. And every day that was my excuse for why I would not go to exercise. I was tired. Not in the mood. Hadn't slept. And I would drop the kids off at camp, usually go get groceries for that evening, and then flop my butt on the couch all day in an attempt to nap. What. A. WASTE! Ugh, so frustrating to even admit that. Additionally I have been having some issues with my hip and knee for about a year now and there is no definitive answer on why I am having this pain. So that made another great excuse as to why it was ok to sit around and not work out.
The quote about is pretty much how I feel about the whole situation. I am so blessed in many ways. I have been given opportunities that people just dream about. And here I was, just wasting my life. Not ok. Not ok at all.
For some reason yesterday I decided that I would give my favorite, hardest, most effective workout a try. I promised myself that even if I did half of it, or at a snails pace, I would go and just do what I could. Hey, it was better than nothing, right? So I did. The instructors remembered me from when I was attending regularly last year and they were SO encouraging. I cannot tell you what a difference that made. It was an even more difficult format than normal (which, I honestly would not have gone had I known ahead of time), and they just told me "Do what you can. Listen to your body. And go at your own pace". So I did. And guess what.... I didn't do as bad as I expected! In fact, I did so well that I promised myself I would go again today after I dropped the kids off.
Well, insert last night's non-sleep fiasco. I woke up grumpy as all get out. I am not a person who does well without sleep. I told Brian "Well, there goes my workout plans". And somewhere between packing lunches and brushing my teeth I made the decision that my workout plans were not over. I was going. And that was that. So I did. And guess what? Same instructors there cheering me on :) And again, I did much better than I anticipated. Yes I have to adjust some movements to accommodate my new limitations but I was sweating, and I am sore. And when I got home, I decided to take Luke on a walk. Gotta get that cardio in! I can't run, but hey any movement is better than me sitting on the couch eating snack, right?!
So I guess the moral of this story is that we ultimately decide our path. Mine clearly is a rollercoaster. It involves a lot of learning and a lot of mistakes. It involves me really understanding what "self-care" means. For me personally, it means a commitment to fitness and health because even in the past 2 days I have had a completely different outlook on life and even on myself. It is true what they say: it is very hard to care for others if you are not caring for yourself. I want to be the best me, the best wife, and the best mom. And like anything in life, it is a process. Not always fun, but definitely worth it.
I know my blog posts are few and far between these days but there are moments where I feel compelled to share where I am physically and emotionally. Weight loss surgery is so much more than a physical thing. It is a life long journey. I have said it once and I will say it again. I am not that girl anymore. But every now and again the insecurities pop up and I am forced to take a hard look at why that is. More often than not, I am in control of them.... I just need to take control of my life to make them go away :)
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